I’m just coping
When today is finally done, there’s another day to come, then another day to come, then another day to come.
It’s 7pm. I packed all day for the move, ordered out dinner, and now I’ve just finished my dailies for all four of the mobile games I’m playing. Spinning the one Pokéstop within reach without leaving our apartment, over and over, every few hours during the day, hoping to refill my gift supply for my in-game friends. Auto battling on my phone, farming for relics. Farming for talent materials on the PS5, and then making sure I switch over to Wuthering Waves to take advantage of the Returning Player boosts to farming boss materials.
“This feels like mental illness.” I’m sure I’ve said to my roommate before.
Double fisting gacha games: one on my phone, and one on the TV. When it happens, I know it feels off, but it preoccupies my brain. Gives me something to do. Drowns out the noise. Ka-ching! I hear the Playstation sound off as I spend money on another one of these games. This is the last time this month, I tell myself, and look at my bank account in the aftermath. It’ll be okay, I tell myself, and try not to spiral.
But when I’m done singing this song, I will have to find something else to do to keep me here.
“Yeah, being off weed and gacha games, it’s like the Earth is healing.” I say to the group chat.
As I write this, it’s been over seven weeks since I stopped taking edibles. From 20mg a day to 0. I feel so much less anxious, so much less brain fog, and I’m getting more work done than I did before. It’s been…maybe four weeks or so since I redownloaded Genshin Impact? And then Honkai Star Rail? And then Zenless Zone Zero, spent money on it, got the newest character, then deleted again, thinking it wasn’t worth it? If I just play Genshin and HSR, I can still play Pokémon Go and keep things relatively healthy, I tell myself. And then I see a video about Wuthering Waves pop up in my YouTube algorithm. Huh. I guess it came up because I followed character build guide creators again.
I redownloaded a few days ago. I played through the 2.0 story finally. It was surprisingly good, compared to the bad writing at the game’s launch. I look at my roster of units and remember just how much money I’ve spent on this game. On Genshin. On HSR. On ZZZ. On various other mobile games.
“They’re just pixels. I don’t need them.” I tell my roommate during one of my gacha breaks.
When has that ever stopped me though? It didn’t stop me in high school, when I spent over $700 on iTunes with my mom’s credit card, and tried to hold back the shameful tears as she asked if I had done this and I lied and said no. It didn’t stop me in undergrad, when I spent hundreds of dollars on Fire Emblem Heroes using my husband’s money, and he told me that I had lost his trust. It didn’t stop me every other time I’ve swiped my credit card on a mobile game the past few years. It didn’t stop me the past few days, as I told myself that one more purchase would get me that five-star character, their weapon, and why don’t I just take this opportunity to buy the Returning Player discounted packs?
“When I’m high, the world is beautiful.” My nephew-in-law tells my mother-in-law. After he passed, I cried so much. I barely knew him, but I felt his pain. I understood why he got high so much.
Here’s my hand. There’s the itch, but I’m not supposed to scratch.
“There’s always one vice we gotta have, huh?” A friend remarks, as we talk about me not getting high anymore, but returning to gacha games.
Does there always have to be one? Can’t I cope with life and the world in other ways? When the messages go silent and it gets late and I start to feel lonely, can’t I do something else? Play an actual game? Read a book? Watch a tv show? Go to sleep? How many hours have passed by of me just playing these games, spending money on them, and feeling bad about it afterwards? Why don’t I just quit cold turkey? Why don’t I just say hey, let me delete it all? Not just uninstall, but why don’t I just delete all my data in these games? The hundreds of hours I’ve enjoyed, cried about, and felt compelled to play, and the thousands of dollars I’ve poured into having pixels on my screen…why can’t I just put that in the past?
“Do you remember when Ba got us kicked out of that hotel years ago because of his gambling addiction and the casino?” I ask my sister.
I remember I was so mad at him. How irresponsible of him, to be unable to control his urges, and to cause us to have to find another hotel for the night. Well, I understand him now too. Maybe he was just coping the way he knew how. It wasn’t healthy, but maybe it helped him stay sane. As I look at my bank account again, I feel closer to him than I ever have.
I need you to love me more. Love me more. Love me more. Love enough to fill me up, fill me up, fill me full, love.
I need you to love me more. Love me more. Love me more. Love enough to drown it out, drown it out, drown me out.
I need you to love me more. Love me more. Love me more. Love enough to clean me up,
clean me up,
clean me up,
clean me up,
clean me up,
clean me up,
clean me up.
